Through the Smoke
by ragingquiet26
Summary: Set after Grad. Day Pt 2, alternative... COMPLETE
1. Heat and Heartbreak

Buffy watched her lover desperately through the smoke. She not only saw, but felt the pain in his eyes, mirrored in her own. She watched as he drew an unnecessary breath, his chest rising and falling. She shivered, strangely, as the school continued to burn around her…

Through the smoke, Angel was aching inside. It was so hard. The only thing he had to do was turn, and walk away, why did it seem impossible? Angel steadied his gaze on her, and drawing an unneeded breath, he looked meaningfully into her eyes, and slowly turned. He began to walk away, each step harder than the last. Holding back the tears and heartache that was threatening to tear him up inside, he headed to his apartment…

She watched him as he turned, presenting the back of his large frame. Still she watched as he faded into the black night, and long after he disappeared, she watched the space where he had been, hoping, praying…

Her image was still in his mind, as it always would be. He struggled to keep walking, knowing and sharing the pain of the situation. He walked aimlessly through the streets of Sunnydale, eventually ending up at his apartment. He opened the door, removed his heavy black coat, and moved to his bed. Sitting down, he held his head in his hands, ruffling the hair on the back of his head. Then the tears and the hurt came.

"Buffy, I'm so sorry…" his voice was husky and deep, and ache poisoned every syllable.

Getting up, he moved to the wall, and placed his hands in front of him, his head hanging low in between. He wanted so badly to hold her, to feel her small body in his arms. To look into her hazel pools…

She knew he wouldn't turn around and come back, and yet she remained, still and silent in the burning chaos that was Sunnydale High. Sighing, she headed home. As she reached the door she stopped, and turned, facing away from it. She leant against the hard wood, her palms flat against it. Inwardly, her silent hurt raged, and was soon replaced with desperate sobs. She slid down the door, only to find herself hunched, hugging her knees tightly. She didn't know how long she stayed there, but she awoke some time later cold and exhausted, her eyes red from tears. As the first dawn colors crept up from the black abyss of the night she shivered. Moving inside she shut the door, climbed the stairs and crawled into bed…

Angel had packed up everything he would need to start a new life, but had come to realise that it was day, and he wouldn't be able to leave until the evening. With nowhere to go, he could only stay in his apartment, alone with his thoughts…

Buffy sat on her bed, exhausted. She had slept on and off for most of the day, and realized suddenly that it was dark. She looked around her room, and sighted her cross, elegant and silver, dancing in the moonlight. She had to give it back to him; it would only make her hurt more to have it…

Angel stood in the doorway, looking back at his apartment. It was then he smelt it. A smell so familiar to him, so comforting that he momentarily froze. It couldn't be…


	2. Confrontations and Crosses

Buffy arrived at Angel's apartment, and froze. A tall figure loomed in the doorway, a tall _familiar _figure. She turned around, and made to leave, but moments later felt a large hand take hold of hers. She drew in a quick breath, and turned to look down at her hand entwined with his. She began to cry, and tried to pry her hand away from his.

"Buffy, please…" Angel's voice was deep and choked. Still not facing him, she answered.

"Angel, I came to give something back to you." She uncurled her other hand, revealing the cross. Seeing it, Angel shook his head.

"No, Buffy, it's yours. It's always yours."

"Angel I can't do this!" Her hurt surfaced quickly, loudly voicing itself to the world.

"I can't have anything that reminds me of you. I have to get over you, and I can't if I'm able to hold this cross anytime I want."

"Buffy, I _want_ you to have it, that's why I gave it to you."

Buffy remained silent, and sniffled softly. Angel, realizing he was still holding Buffy's hand, sadly let go. On instinct, Buffy turned and spoke to Angel:

"D-Don't let go… p-please…" she finished lamely.

"Well, you're probably going to want some space… and I'm probably not helping-" He paused, and then quickly added: "-and I didn't want to let go."

He looked into her eyes, she looked so tired. He wished he could just take her into his arms and let her relax, finally.

Awkward minutes passed, and Buffy suddenly realized she was shivering. Night had fallen some time ago, its dark depths normally welcoming for Buffy because it brought her into the strong embrace of Angel. No more.

Finally, Angel spoke:

"Buffy, I…"

"I want to know _why._" Buffy interrupted. "Why are you leaving me?"

"I…"

"I mean, am I that meaningless to you now? Did what we have mean nothing to you?"

"You know that's not true."

Silence greeted his words.

"Buffy, I'm leaving because I want you to have the life you deserve. You deserve a life that I can't possibly give you, as much as I want to. Do you think I'm happy that I can't be the one to look after you, to be with you?"

Rubbing her arms with her hands, Buffy shuddered suddenly.

"You're cold." Angel said automatically.

"I'm fine…"

"No you're not. You can't keep pretending that you're fine when you're not." Angel's voice grew desperate. "Let me in."

Buffy silently agreed, but she was just coming to terms with having to cope without Angel, she had shut a door in her heart so quickly and violently that she feared she wouldn't be able to open it again.

"Buffy, I'll be right back, stay here."

Buffy casually leant against the wall, watching Angel as he passed over the threshold of his apartment. He returned a short while later with a large black jumper, his own, and a hot cup of tea.

"Here."

Gratefully, she clasped the mug in both hands, feeling its warmth. She inhaled sharply as she felt cold fingers, Angels hand was still on the mug. Slowly, Angel pulled his hand out from under Buffy's', and moved back to lean against the doorframe. She finished her tea, and Angel moved toward her, taking the mug from her and gently placing his jumper over her head. Instantly, Buffy was overwhelmed by his scent. The sleeves were far too long, and her hands were lost inside them. Chuckling softly, Angel slowly pushed the sleeves up her arms, to rest in the crook of her elbows. He could feel her smooth skin, and retracted his hand a little too quickly.

"I'm sorry."

"For what? For breaking up with me? For leaving town? You know what, its fine. I'll be fine, I'm the Slayer remember? I'll deal." She turned and began to walk when Angel called to her:

"Buffy, it's late, stay here for the night, or what's left of it."

She turned slowly, anger rising.

"You know, the fact that you're doing this just makes it worse. And I'm ignoring the fact that you listened to the Mayor instead of me. You'd rather side with evil than with me!"

Vaguely, Angel realized the sun was coming up, and he knew he'd have to move inside within the next few minutes.

"Buffy please, just come inside…"

"No."

She began to walk away, and Angel, ignoring the sunrise, moved to grab her hand. She shook him off.

"Leave me alone! If I can't have all of you, then I won't have any of you!"

"Buffy, PLEASE!" Angel moaned.

She walked straight out into the sunlight, Angel still held her arm.

"Angel, what are you doing? Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

Angels arm, now exposed to the sunlight was burning, and Buffy was panicking at the sight of it.

"Angel, go inside!"

"Not – without – you." His voice was calm, but marred by winces of pain.

Buffy suddenly launched herself at Angel, pushing him into his apartment. They both fell over the threshold, Angel underneath.

"Oh God Angel." Buffy was looking at Angel's forearm, it was badly burnt, and was still smoking.

"It's nothing, I'm fine."

"Now who's a hypocrite?"

"C'mon, we need to get you cleaned up."


	3. Bandages and Bed Chats

"It's fine Buffy, I heal fast, remember?" Angel slowly retracted his arm from her reach, and in doing so, winced painfully. He had burns all the way up his left arm, including the crook of his elbow, which made it painful for him to move it.

"Angel, I need to clean that arm."

Knowing full well that disagreeing with her was futile; Angel held his arm out again.

"Um – heh – you're going to have to take your shirt off, I can't clean your elbow properly with it on." Buffy had aimed to sound matter-of-fact, and had failed miserably.

Angel got up and moved towards his bed. He took the shirt off over his head, revealing his back, but was having trouble getting it off his wounded arm without causing pain.

"Let me help." Buffy offered.

Angel turned to face her, and looked into her eyes as she helped ease the sleeve off his arm.

"There." She said, having successfully removed his shirt without causing him any pain.

Buffy inhaled sharply, getting a closer look at his arm. She began bandaging his arm tenderly, her actions full of love and concern. When she had finished bandaging his arm, she spoke to him.

"Angel why did you… you shouldn't have followed me…" she trailed off.

"I – I couldn't let you go without telling you…" As soon as Angel said these words, he knew he had said too much.

"Telling me what?" Buffy's expression changed from curiosity to anxiety.

"I…" Angel trailed off. He lowered his head. How to start? Buffy, your Mum told me to stop dating you… and I found your notebook, I want to us to be together forever too… He couldn't tell her. Buffy would be furious at her mother, and it would be his fault. But on the other hand, Joyce had wanted to deny him the one in the world he loved more than anything else…

Buffy was watching Angel closely, he looked so lost. She wanted to touch his face, to hold it in her hands, and bring it to hers and kiss him. She shook her fantasy out of her mind, and gave Angel a concerned look, but he didn't see it, his head was still lowered. Slowly and cautiously, she moved towards him, crouched down, and placed her hand gently under his chin. It was then she felt his tears. She slowly tilted his head up, and saw his face. He wasn't sniffling, and his nose wasn't running, but tears were falling silently down his cheeks. It broke her heart.

Angel seemed not to realise that Buffy could see him crying, he just looked into her eyes. He suddenly felt ashamed. He turned away from her, Buffy's hands slipping off his face. This seemed to upset Buffy more than the tears.

"Angel, don't turn away from me, please."

She got up and sat next to him on the bed.

"Angel don't shut me out. Talk to me." He didn't answer her. Desperately she tried again; "Angel! Talk to me!"

Angel merely turned his head towards her, looking over his shoulder at her. She was so beautiful, but she was also genuinely worried, and it showed on her face. He couldn't let her worry, especially not about him.

Buffy dropped her gaze, instead choosing to stare fixedly at Angel's bedcover. She had never seen Angel this way. Except for when she sent him to hell… She traced the patterns of the bedcover with her finger, and, lost in her thoughts, failed to notice Angel get up. He sat down again, close behind her, delicately putting his arms around her waist (his arm still twinged a bit). Instinctively, she leaned into him, resting her hands atop his, and playing with his fingers. It was then she noticed his Claddagh ring. He still hadn't taken it off…

He rested his head on her shoulder, and Buffy turned her head to stare into his eyes. She wanted so badly to kiss him.

"Angel, what was wrong? You were…"

"Buffy, I can't leave you… I – I need you…"

Buffy wanted so badly to tell him she felt the same, but he was going to leave town…

"Angel, we shouldn't do this. I can't lose you again, so if we keep apart, then this will be easier…" She mumbled. She knew that wasn't true.

Sad, Angel closed his eyes, and left them closed for a little while, enjoying the feel of her in his arms, after all, it could well be his last time. He suddenly felt her shaking, and when he opened his eyes, he found Buffy crying. This hurt him seemingly more than his own aching; he couldn't bear to see her so upset. He turned her towards him and pulled her to him, and she adjusted to his embrace, burying her head under his chin. He would hold her until she felt better…


	4. Noises and Nightmares

"Angel, please don't leave me…" Buffy's words were lost among desperate, racking sobs. Angel didn't know what to say. He wanted more than anything to stay with her, to be with her, but what kind of future could he offer her?

"Shhh… rest. Stay here as long as you want." Angel could feel her tears on his chest, they were warm at first, but they had now turned cold, Buffy must've stopped crying.

Buffy looked up at Angel, "I'm sorry I -"

"You don't need to apologise Buffy."

"I-I have to go." She stated suddenly, turning her head away from him, not able to cope with his penetrating gaze.

"Where?" Angel possessively held onto her, not wanting to lose body contact.

Looking out a window, he saw the sun was setting. One thought was comforting to him; he could at least try and come with her, no sun to stop him this time.

"Uh – home, they'll be worried about me."

"Just like I am."

At that moment, they heard a loud thud. Something was trying to get in. Angel got up with lightning reflexes, but not before gently putting Buffy down first. He found a shirt, and as he began to put it on, Buffy composed herself, walking towards Angel and the rattling door.

"No Buffy, rest, let me handle this."

The noises became louder and faster, clearly whoever it was wanted very badly to get in.

"Angel, this is my job."

Angel turned so that he was inches from her, his hands on either side of her small shoulders.

"Buffy, just let me take this one. You're exhausted."

Buffy knew he was right. By now, the noises behind the door had become almost feral. Buffy's slayer senses were tingling, Angel could smell it too. Buffy made for the door, but felt strong arms spin her around.

"Buffy, you're in no state to fight. You're distracted, you'll get yourself killed."

"Well at least that way you couldn't leave me…" Buffy stated harshly.

"Buffy, we can talk about this when I get back. Just stay – "

Buffy lunged at Angel, heading again for the door, but Angel held her back.

"Buffy, listen to me! I can't let you get hurt, okay?"

"Oh so now you care about me?"

Angel remained silent. He knew he cared about her more than she would ever know.

The door was now banging in its frame, and Angel wanted badly to kill whatever was behind it, and return to Buffy and sort things out. Suddenly, the noise stopped.

"Damn." Angel had missed his chance to kill it.

Making a split second decision, Angel grabbed the key to the apartment, wrenched open the door (with his good, unburned arm) and shot through it, slamming it behind him, leaving a stunned Buffy standing on the other side. He quickly locked the door, so that if whatever it was that was just trying to kill Buffy, couldn't get to her. He paused only for a second, his head in his hands.

He spoke softly: "I'm sorry Buffy; I just can't let it hurt you."

With that, he pocketed his key, and went off to track the demon.

Angel had only just gotten away from his apartment when the demon approached him from the shadows. It wasn't particularly fierce or dangerous looking, other than a nasty looking claw that extended from its left hand.

"What do you want?"

The creature merely looked at him.

"You won't hurt her -" Angel vampsout, his teeth growing and his eyes yellowing. "-but I'll hurt you."

"I can hurt you more than you think."

Angel severely doubted this, and as he moved to strike the demon, he felt intense pain in his head. The creatures eyes were rolling in his head, and it was chanting. Angel's vision blurred and was replaced with a scene…

_Buffy sat on the hearth, reading the book Angel had given her for her 18th birthday by the light of the fire. Her hands were gently smoothing the first page, where Angel had simply written: Always. He moved towards her, and sat down next to her. She then ripped the page out, tearing it up and scattering the pieces into the flames. She then got up and turned to speak to him, her voice cold and distant, echoing slightly. _

"_Angel, I want a normal life. I want children. I want a normal boyfriend. It's over."_

_Angel sat there in shock, before the scene dissolved before his eyes, to be replaced with a new one._

_Buffy was fighting a vampire, and struggling. Angel wanted to help her stake it, but for some reason he couldn't move an inch. He called out to her, but she didn't hear. Worried and confused, Angel saw, to his horror, his nightmare unfold before his eyes. The vampire was choking Buffy, and she was powerless to stop it. With a change of pace, the vampire loosened her, picking up Buffy's fallen stake. He spun her around, and Buffy yelled desperately into the night air, tears streaming down her face. "Angel!" It was over so quickly, but Angel felt himself slowly shatter inside. He watched as the vampire plunged the stake deep into Buffy's chest, leaving it there, holding the Slayer, watching her die. Angel fought with everything he had to get to her, he yelled hoarsely into the night, tears streaming down his face. He watched as she fell, lifeless, to the ground, watching as the vampire jerked the stake roughly out of Buffy's chest. But the nightmare didn't end there; the moon came out from behind a cloud to reveal the vampire's identity… Angel found himself staring into Angelus' cold, murderous eyes before the scene vanished before him. _

Angel came to, and was awake enough to feel a sharp object pierce his side. The demon retracted its sharp claw, and walked away into the shadows of the night, leaving Angel gasping for air, having seen the nightmare of his life…

Buffy, meanwhile, was furious. How dare he lock her in his home when a demon was out there! She had banged furiously on the door for several minutes after he left, but realized too late that he had gone. She lay on his bed for what seemed like an eternity. Where was he? Was he hurt? Oh god, was he hurt? Panic stricken, Buffy began to pace the room, until finally a key slipped noisily into the lock, and Angel pushed the door open and stumbled, bumping into the doorframe, and collapsed…


	5. Wounds and Worries

Before Buffy could berate him about his behavior, she watched as her lover fell into unconsciousness. Her anger rapidly melted away, replaced with icy dread as she saw her lover lying helplessly across the threshold. She ran to him, panicked at the sight of his strong body lying in a heap. She didn't know what to do. She began to cry, heaving up chesty sobs, her face dampened with new tears. She began lovingly stroking his face, willing him to regain consciousness, but still he lay there, motionless and empty. She sat down, her legs out in front, and lifted Angels head onto her lap. She began softly stroking his hair, entwining her fingers in its dark thickness. She lifted one of his hands and kissed the finger on which his Claddagh ring sat, holding onto his hand as if it were her life source. Her body was shaking with panic and grief, and her tears began to fall into his hair as she spoke desperately to him, in between sniffs and sobs.

"Angel, please… you have to wake up… I need you, Angel… I love you so much…" When he didn't answer, she hung her head, letting her hair fall into her face, hiding her tear stained face. Her heart stopped as she saw Angel turn his head to look up at her from her lap. She watched as his beautiful eyes opened, looking straight into hers. Before she could register it, Angel had engulfed her in a hug.

"Oh, Buffy!" his breath was ragged and hoarse, and she now noticed that his whole body was covered in a cold sweat. He had to let go of her however, when he winced painfully, clutching at his hip.

His dark shirt was ripped, and a deep gouge ran along Angel's hip, and onto the front of his stomach. Buffy cried out in shock.

"Angel, oh my god!"

Buffy helped Angel move into a sitting position, his back against the wall. She began delicately removing his shirt, but it was hard going because the wound had already started to close, and the shirt was getting stuck to the clotted blood. A few winces and sharp breaths later, Angel's shirt was off, and Buffy got her first look at his wound.

All the while, Angel couldn't believe what he'd just seen. Buffy had died, and he couldn't do a thing to stop it. And it was him, no Angelus, who had killed her. All he wanted was to be with his lover, and he couldn't, he couldn't risk becoming _him_ again…

Buffy's expression at seeing Angel's wound drew Angel out of his thoughts. He tried to cover his wound with his hands, guilty at causing her so much grief. Buffy wouldn't have it. She moved his hands out of the way.

"Angel what-"

"It was a demon. He had some sort of mind control over me. I couldn't kill him because I saw…" But he stopped.

"You saw what?"

"I-It was nothing. It was just a flashback of my past, my past as Angelus." He lied desperately, hoping she wouldn't question him.

"But you're not Angelus anymore," Buffy countered. "You're a good person. That's not you anymore Angel."

Instead of arguing, which he knew was pointless, Angel regarded his wound.

"This is nothing, I'll be fine."

Shocked, Angel froze as Buffy's hands moved to his face as she looked him square in the eyes.

"Angel, let me take care of you. The sun will be up soon, we need to get you into bed."

She was so close to him. He could see into the depths of her hazel orbs. He wanted so badly to kiss her…

Nodding in defeat, Angel started to get up, slowly and awkwardly, and with Buffy's help, he eventually lay on his bed while Buffy began to clean his wound. She was so gentle, and he was grateful.

Once all the dried blood had been cleaned away, Buffy applied several dressings to his wound, and then carefully attached them with tape. When she had put everything away, she sat down beside him again. She looked down at him; he looked rested enough, and yet troubled. He reached for her hand, and without hesitation, she entwined her fingers in his, and he brought them to his mouth, kissing her fingers softly. She closed her eyes at this feeling, moaning softly, and this was when Angel's controlled demeanor went out the window. He couldn't help it. He wanted her to make that noise again, only louder. He grabbed her around the waist, and hoisted her onto him, so that she lay on top of him. Without a moment's hesitation, he pulled her head towards him and kissed her. She didn't stay shocked for much longer, returning the kiss. It began to build, their desperation and the sheer fear they felt at the idea of losing their lover drove them on. Buffy was stroking Angel's toned chest, and Angel's hands were under Buffy's shirt, kneading her breasts. Angel sat up, (not without wincing, and Buffy kissed the skin near his wounds tenderly, wishing he wasn't in so much pain.) It didn't seem to affect him much more after that, for Buffy was now sitting in his lap, her legs either side of him. She always loved being a little taller than him, so he could look up into her eyes, eyes full of hunger and want. He leant up and kissed her, hungrily, god how he wanted this… but he couldn't…

A flash of inner pain went through him, and it must have shown in his eyes for at that moment, Buffy loosened her hands from his hair, and let them slip down to frame his face, concern furrowing her brow. He lowered his head and she tried to catch his eye, but he wouldn't let her.

"Angel, what is it?"

"I-I can't do this Buffy, I love you too much to…"

"To what? Be with me? Make love to me?" She knew her words sounded harsh, and she instantly regretted saying them, seeing that he was suffering, albeit internally. But she wanted him, wanted to feel his cool hands on her skin, his lips against hers.

Angel just couldn't do it. And not for lack of want. It had taken all of his strength to stop. He wouldn't become _him_ again. He'd never hurt her.

"Angel, something's wrong. You can tell me."

"I-" But he was interrupted by another, familiar, scraping at the door. It was quick this time, and it stopped almost as quickly as it had come. Angel tried to get up, but Buffy pushed him back down. She composed herself, and re-aligned her clothing with the right parts of her body (Angel had been pushing her top up, and her pants were undone). She walked determinedly towards the door.

"I guess that's our demon buddy coming back for round two?"

"Yeah, but I don't want you to-"

"Angel," she pointed to herself. "I'm the Slayer. I'll be fine. And besides, you're hurt."

Angel still didn't want her to go. And a small part of him was being selfish, he wanted to be with her right now, and wanted to feel her warm skin under his hands, to feel her warm breath, to smell her…

Before he knew it, Buffy had strode quicklyto him, and kissed him.

"I'll be back soon. You should rest, you need it." She turned and headed for the door.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful."

"You know me."

The feel of the situation immediately shifted from one with an air of wittiness, to one ofa serious nature, and Angel donned a serious face, looking deep into her eyes, worrying for her.

"Buffy, watch out. Don't underestimate him .He's dangerous."

"As are they all. And besides, if he's gunna make me have past flashbacks; there really isn't much I haven't already seen."

Angel hated that he was lying to her. She wouldn't be seeing her past. She would be seeing her worst nightmares come to life. But if he told her that, she wouldn't believe him, she'd think it sounded stupid.

"Buffy," Angel paused, and looked longingly at her, his voice husky and dry. "I love you."

"I love you too."

He watched as she grabbed a scythe from off his wall, and passed across the threshold, closing the door behind her.

Angel instantly began to worry, but he knew she could take care of herself; he'd just rather he was there beside her, protecting her, watching her back. He wouldn't get a moments rest until she was back in his arms…


	6. Drusilla and Desire

Buffy had been tracking the demon, and had, as yet, not come to face it.

"What's your problem? Demon social calendar all booked up? Can't squeeze me in?" she punned.

With a sigh, Buffy began to head back to Angel's. If this demon was a no-show, she'd much rather be spending her time with Angel. He was worrying her. She had never seen him act this way. And yet, she remembered how she could feel the heat building between them, the intensity of the situation, and yet, he had stopped them. Why? Buffy was so deep in thought that she failed so see a certain nasty creeping up behind her. But it did not attack; it merely began chanting, its eyes rolling hideously in its head. Buffy only managed to spin around and begin a pun when she clapped her hands to her head and collapsed, but she was not dead, her vision began to blur, to be replaced with a scene…

_Angel was standing alone in a graveyard, obviously waiting for someone. Buffy walked over to him, but she soon noticed she wasn't there, at least physically. Her body was invisible, and thus, she could move around without disturbing the events taking place before her eyes. It didn't mean she couldn't feel, however, for she felt her heart clench as a familiar woman made her way to Angel._

"_My Angel, the moon, it speaks to me; it says Spike doesn't like me visiting you... pss pss pss."_

"_I don't care about roller-boy right now Dru…" Angel snarled, and his face changed to his famous sexy sneer. Buffy watched, heartbroken, as Angel's hands slipped around Drusilla's waist, and he brought her to him for a deep, passionate kiss. Buffy watched, heart breaking with every second she watched. But it didn't end there. The scene began to dissolve, replaced with a new one. _

_She was in Angel's apartment, and this time, she was corporeal, but try as she might, she couldn't make a sound. _

_She noticed that Faith was slouching casually on his bed, and a smirk tainted her face. She was watching Angel, and was shocked to see that he was undressing. He was removing his shirt, and as he did so, he moved towards Faith. Buffy watched in horror as Faith slid her hands up Angels back, hands gliding over his tattoo. Buffy yelled out defensively, only to remember she couldn't be heard. That was her Angel. She was the only one allowed to touch him like that. Angel moved in and kissed Faith, and Buffy stared in horror as passion built and built, both of them getting deeper and deeper into the kiss. Buffy also watchedm in horror, as Faith removed a stake from the leg of her pants. No – she wouldn't. Faith plunged the stake deep into Angel's back, and he yelled out, shocked, before he turned to dust. Buffy was in so much shock that she didn't notice Faith smiling down at the pile of ashes that was previously Angel. Buffy began to cry, deep racking sobs that made her small body shake. The scene began to blur slowly, but Buffy didn't notice…_

Thrown back into reality, she was weak. This demon attacked her in a way she had not thought possible. It had accessed her fears, and shown them to her. All of a sudden, she heard it come toward her, its large claw extended, looming over her, ready to gut her. But she couldn't fight it, she was a wreck. Tears were still moist on her face, and instead of facing the demon, she ran, and only managed to get away with a gash on her shoulder. She ran blindly and arrived at Angel's apartment fairly quickly. She didn't want him to see her like this, and at the same time, she needed his arms around her. She needed to feel him. He wasn't dead. He couldn't be. She instead fell ungracefully to her knees, and cried. Angel must have heard her, for seconds later he was scooping her up, and taking her to his bed. She clung to him. She never wanted to let go, and he sensed that.

"Oh my god, Angel, I-"

"Shh, rest. We can talk about it tomorrow." He suddenly noticed her cut. "You're hurt. Let me-"

"No," Buffy interrupted. "I want…" she trailed off. What did she want? She knew the answer. "I want you." They sat on his bed, staring into one another's eyes, and both reeling from Buffy's comment. Of course, Angel wanted her too, more than he could bear. Just waiting for her had been agony. He pushed aside all thoughts of his nightmarish visions from demon-guy, and placed a hand on her cheek, caressing her skin with the pad of his thumb.His voice then becamehusky and dry, changed by the heat and intensity that burned between them.

"I want_you._"

Buffy couldn't stop herself. She put both hands on either side of his face, caressing his angular jaw line. Angel didn't hesitate either, and she moved closer to him, wrapping her legs around his waist, so that she was now sitting facing him on his lap. She leaned in and their lips touched, softly at first, but it soon became desperate and passionate. As they kissed, she moulded herself into him, as one of his hands sought out the small of her back, massaging the skin he found there, the other cradling her head delicately. Buffy slid her arms around his neck, and entangled one of her hands in the hair on the back of Angel's neck. For long minutes they kissed, but Angel was now feeling like Buffy was wearing too many clothes. Still kissing her, he stood up, supporting Buffy, her legs still wrapped around him. He found a wall, and shoved her against it, his lips finding her neck.

Buffy was also thinking that clothes were becoming an unnecessary item. As she felt her back hit the wall, she slid her hands down the bare skin of his back, and found his belt. Still kissing him, she found the front of the belt, and undid it, throwing it on the floor. She began undoing his pants when Angel began slipping the straps of her top down her shoulders, replacing the clothing with kisses. Raising her arms above her head, she helped Angel ease her top off, revealing her bra. Angel kissed her neck as he slowly put Buffy down, locking his arms around her waist again, possessively drawing her even closer, feeling her smooth skin on his. Buffy took this opportunity to remove Angel's pants. Angel put his palms flat against the wall, watching as she slid down, taking his pants with her, before she sharply stood up again, and reclaimed his lips. Moaning softly, Angel decided it was Buffy's turn to lose her pants. His hands moved from around her waist to her belly. He traced small circles on her tummy with his fingers, eliciting high pitched moans from Buffy. He slipped both hands down either side of Buffy's pants, moving them down her legs, kissing the newly uncovered skin. Buffy held Angels head in her hands, and was finding it hard to stand up; her legs were turning to jelly. Angel, as usual, read her like a book, and after standing up again, lifted her onto him, her legs gripping around his waist. There was no softness, only desperation, hunger, want. Angel made his way to the bed, and Buffy soon found herself lying on a very familiar patterned bedspread. They looked into each others eyes; both silently asking themselves if this was the right thing to do, both of them knowing they didn't care. Angel lay on top of Buffy, cherishing the feel of her skin on his. He kissed her tummy, her neck, and her lips, those lips!He needed to get that bra off… now. He lifted her, pressing her small frame against his, and Buffy turned her head to nibble Angel's earlobe. He learnedly undid her bra, feeling the garment loosen. Buffy moved back, and slipped the bra off her shoulders…


	7. Demons and Decisions

The demon listened intently, leaning against the door. It had silently but stealthily followed Buffy since she had run off. It could hear sounds of passion coming from the apartment, and was determined to interrupt. It began its feral scraping at the door…

Buffy was wearing only panties, and Angel was in naught but his boxers, and Buffy's hair was a mess, but it was nothing compared to what she had done to Angels. Her left hand was deeply entwined in the thick dark hair on the back of Angel's neck, and the front of his normally perfectly spiked hair had been muzzled at some stage. Angel had done some damage too. Buffy's normally well groomed golden locks were tangled loosely in his fingers, and his free hand was holding her roughly against the wall. They were both panting, and then they heard it. That noise…

They had both heard it, but both had prayed they hadn't, that it was some trick. Buffy looked down, losing eye contact with Angel. Noticing this, Angel tipped her chin up, and kissed her passionately. Moaning, Buffy returned the kiss. Angel knew they had to stop; it was just the stopping part that was hard. No, not hard, unbearable. He reluctantly loosened his grip on Buffy, letting her stand on solid ground for the first time in a while, and his hands settled loosely on her hips. Buffy whimpered and moaned in protest, drawing his hands tighter around her. Before he could register it, they were kissing again. It was Buffy's turn to try and stop. She turned her head away from him, but Angel only readjusted, kissing her neck, her collarbone and moved in to kiss her lips…

"Angel…" Buffy said breathily, between sharp intakes of breath (Angel was still kissing her neck and the skin above her breasts).

Angel groaned huskily, and let Buffy go entirely. He moved away, he needed that space, or he would be kissing her again…

Buffy took this time to get dressed. Angel turned and noticed this. Buffy looked deep into Angel's eyes, they were a wash of disappointment, like her own.

"We have to kill it, Angel."

Angel sighed. "I know." He began pulling on his dark pants and a dark top, which greatly resembled the one he wore when he and Buffy escaped the Judge.

Buffy watched him, and when he had finished, she spoke quietly, voicing a concern that had been plaguing her thoughts.

"Angel? What did you see? Y-You know, the demon…" she trailed off.

Angel hadn't wanted to tell her. He paused. "Now's not the time." He gestured to the door.

"Right, evil."

They both walked towards the door, and Buffy grabbed her scythe, Angel favouring his battle axe.

Twenty minutes later the couple could be found sitting on a stone wall in a graveyard "searching for the demon". Buffy was sitting in Angel's lap, and he had his arms around her waist. She was leaning down to kiss him, when the demon vaulted over them, ready to attack. Immediately, they shifted into battle stance, Angel, protective of Buffy, stood a little in front.

"Back for more huh? Just couldn't skip town without getting your ass kicked one more time?" Buffy punned.

The demon merely laughed, or what must have been a laugh, it sounded pretty odd to Buffy and Angel.

"Well I'm glad you found that funny, 'cos what's coming really really isn't." Buffy shot back.

Buffy instantly moved in to attack. She aimed a hard blow to the demons upper body with her scythe, but it was blocked, and she instead received a hard blow to the stomach. Angel snarled at this, and rushed in, delivering a successful uppercut to the demons jaw, causing it to fall down on its back. Looming over it, Angel swung his axe, ready to decapitate it, when a familiar sensation came over him.

"No!…"

Angel swung madly at the creature, then his vision finally went, and a scene came before him…

_Buffy was charging for the demon, fiercely protective of her fallen lover. Angel was aware of himself lying there, but he couldn't move, he could only watch as Buffy aimed a deadly swipe at the demon with her scythe. It collided. The demon's left shoulder ran thickly with green blood, dripping onto the grass. Buffy moved in again, and made for the demon's head, she was blocked._

_Angel wanted to help her. He was panicked and worried, fiercely protective, growling deep in his throat. He tried to sit up, but it was as if a weight had been pressed upon him. He growled, frustrated and then something caught his attention. This was not an alternate reality. This was no lie, this was really happening. He had to stop the demon. How could he get out of this fake version of the real world? _

_The answer came almost immediately; the demon had swung a hard backhand punch which collided with Buffy's cheek. She fell, and then Angel watched in horror as the demon leaned over her, watching her. It seemed that the demon wasn't going to kill her – yet. Suddenly, Angel could move again…_

Angel watched as Buffy's eyes became glazed, and he knew she was just going through what he had. He had to get to her, but first, this demon…


	8. Revelations and Reactions

Angel was reeling. His nightmare was coming to life; the demon was going to kill her. He was going to lose her. He wouldn't let that happen…

Buffy's vision was blurring, and then suddenly, she could see…

_Angel lay on the ground, and was just sitting up, shifting into fighting stance. She watched, paralyzed as he aimed deadly blows at the demon, only some of which went unblocked, and hit their targets. It was torture. Watching, but not being able to help. Granted, Angel was inflicting damage upon the creature, even if it was only a little bit compared to what he was receiving in return. He copped a powerful blow to the stomach, and crumpled for a few seconds, before growling, and launching at the creature again. By this time, Buffy was getting frantic and antsy. The demon wasn't going to stop until Angel was dead. It was just like her nightmare; Angel was being taken from her… She had to help him… Suddenly, Angel got the upper hand as one of his blows collided sharply with the demons cheekbone, snapping its head to the side. Dizzy, it swayed, and collapsed on the ground. Buffy felt her vision clearing…_

Angel made immediately for Buffy, pulling her up, drawing her close to him. They didn't speak, but panted heavily in the wake of the fight. Buffy was staring at the demon, its eyes were glazed and it appeared to be unconscious. Finally, Angel spoke.

"We should kill it; it's only knocked out…"

"Yeah…" she replied, hollow.

Angel let her go gently, removing his hands from the familiar resting place of her small hips, and headed for the collapsed demon. Buffy swayed slightly without the protective hold Angel had had on her. She watched, unfazed, as he picked up his fallen battle-axe and brought it swiftly down across the demons neck.

20 minutes later, the demon was buried, head and body together, (but detached), and Buffy and Angel were walking hand in hand back to Angel's apartment. Both were silent, lost in their thoughts. It had been so close; their nightmares had almost become reality…

They arrived at the apartment and as they stepped over the threshold, Buffy turned and spoke to Angel for the first time since the fight.

"Angel, I want you to be straight with me. You said I would be seeing my past…"

"I… I-uh…" Angel trailed off. He hated lying to her, but he didn't want to worry her. Buffy started again, determined to tell him what she saw.

"That demon showed me… showed me…" She couldn't finish. She couldn't say it. Angel saw the horror in her eyes, the fear… Her nightmare must have been worse than he thought... Guiding her softly to the bed, he sat her down, and took her small warm hands in his.

"Buffy, it's - "

Suddenly, she got up, and moved away from him.

"She - she was kissing you, a-and touching you…" A bitter look of resentment tainted her pretty face. "And then she…" A long pause followed, in which Angel stood up, but still keeping the distance between them. "- she killed you. I-I couldn't help, I was - I was… I couldn't help!" Her voice was strained and raspy, and tears were threatening to slide slowly down her cheeks.

Angel froze. That was – that's was what her nightmare was? She wasn't worried about her own life? And more importantly, Faith? He had never even considered her in that way, he was done with trailer trash like that. He knew his heart belonged to Buffy, always would. He was lost in thoughts, and it must have shown on his face, for a second later, Buffy had moved towards him again, softly squeezed his hand, and was trying to catch his eye. She was crying.

"Angel, you were - "

"Shhh…" He cooed soothingly, and without a moments hesitation, he took her into his arms, pressing her small frame against his. She was crying freely now, her chest rising and falling in deep gasps.

"Angel, she took you away from me… she stole you from me… I…"

Angel loosened his grip and leaned back a little so he could look into her eyes.

"Buffy, it wasn't real. I'm right here." His voice was husky and low, and he didn't break eye contact. He moved closer again, and kissed her. He could taste the salt from her tears on her lips, he could feel her shaking with grief, and he wanted to take all that away from her, to shield her, protect her. They remained kissing, Buffy was holding Angel on the hip with one hand, the other was snaking up his back, feeling the smooth skin on the back of his neck. She was gripping him hard, afraid that if she lost contact with him he would somehow disappear. Angel had one arm around her waist and was squeezing her passionately; his other was cradling the back of her head. Angel broke off suddenly, panting. She deserved the same honesty she had given him. He had to tell her what he saw. Holding her by the hand, he took her back to the bed…


	9. Arguments and Angst

Angel sat a short distance away from Buffy on his bed, his fingers entwined in hers. Looking into her eyes, it suddenly struck Angel… he couldn't let her live her life worrying about him and not her own life. It just wasn't safe.

"Buffy, I think we need to talk. About… us." Angel watched her face, splotchy in the aftermath of her tears. She just looked at him, bare and vulnerable.

"I want to tell you what the demon made me see, and then I have to say some stuff you're not going to want to hear, but promise me, you'll listen to what I have to say."

"I-I promise."

"I saw… you. I saw you… die."

Buffy stayed true to her word, and didn't say anything, but squeezed his hand tighter.

"And I, I couldn't help you. I was stuck, I couldn't…"

Buffy saw the pain in his eyes, the hurt, and she couldn't stop herself.

"Angel, you're always there when I need you, always."

Angel suddenly got up, and walked two steps away from her, his back to her. Turning around suddenly, he spoke, his words tainted with the worry he held for her, the love.

"I'm not, Buffy! I can't always be there for you. I can't take you out into the sunlight, I can't protect you in the day, I can't be with you at school, I can't..."

Buffy stood, but was silent.

"Angel, I'm a Slayer, I can handle myself."

"I won't let you do it alone, Buffy."

"That's kind of in the job description, Angel. I'm the only one!"

"And I want to help you! I can't bare the idea of you getting hurt!"

Angel was silent, and then he spoke, and his words couldn't hide the pain that was surging through him as he spoke them.

"You need to be with someone who can protect you all the time."

"You do, Angel! You're there any time you can afford to be!"

"It's not enough. Look what happened with the Master, if Xander…" No, he couldn't think about it, it still made him angry, Xander being Buffy's hero.

"Angel! Listen to me! I don't want anyone else!"

"Neither do I." His voice had become husky, desperate.

"Then don't do this! Don't try and do the noble thing!" Buffy yelled at him. By now she was crying.

"Buffy -"

"No!"

They stood in silence for a minute before Angel spoke again.

"And what about your demon nightmare, huh? You're more worried about me than you! I'm worthless, Buffy, just another vampire. You're the Slayer; you can't just let someone else take priority in your life!"

"That's kind of the point in a relationship!" Buffy shot back.

"Buffy, I won't let you be distracted by me!"

"So, let me get this straight, you're leaving me because I'm worried about you, because I care about you… because I love you?"

Angel didn't say anything. Buffy continued.

"And who are you to talk? You were worried about me!"

"Well one of us has to!" Angel paused, deciding whether he was going to tell her about Angelus' role in his nightmare.

"There's more than you think, Buffy. My demon nightmare, there's more."

"It won't change anything."

"Yes, it will."

Buffy looked at him. Angel was silent a little while, and he broke eye contact, and moved away from her. Turning to face her again, he spoke; his voice guttural and deep.

"It-it was me. I killed you."

Silence. Then Buffy spoke.

"But you -"

Suddenly she understood.

"It was Angelus, wasn't it? Angel, that wasn't you! That's not who you are anymore!"

"It's inside me all the time Buffy, it never leaves. It was this body, these hands… I can't ever let that happen, Buffy…"

"It won't, Angel!"

"Look what happened before. We couldn't stop, if it wasn't for that demon, Buffy…"

"Who cares about some demon and his wacky mind games? What does it matter?"

"It matters, Buffy. I see you, and I want to be with you so badly it hurts. And I know I can never have you, I can never give you what you need…"  
"You want to give me what I need? I need you to be my boyfriend, Angel! Just be mine."

"I'm always yours, Buffy, and nothing will ever change that. Not even me leaving town."

She couldn't suppress her sobs anymore, so instead, she turned away from him. Buffy started heading for the door, if he was going to leave her, then she had to make it quick, clean…

A hand closed on her arm.

He hesitated only a second longer, before he spun her around and pushed her against the door, the hard, cool surface making Buffy gasp in surprise.

"Angel -"

He interrupted her with a deep kiss, and his hands sought out the small of her back, one snaking up to cradle her head…


	10. Rain and Reunions

Buffy felt the cold surface of the door pressing against her back, its coolness surprised her, but what surprised her more was Angel. He hadn't spoken a word, but was merely kissing her like there was no tomorrow. Suddenly he paused, only long enough to speak one word.

"Buffy..." he continued kissing her.

She interrupted. "I know…" she kissed him again.

"- we should -" Angel continued again, before reclaiming her lips, his hands sliding under Buffy's top, finding the small of her back.

"- stop… I know…"

However, neither of them showed any signs of intending to act on this.

Buffy's grip was tight around Angel's waist, but Angel either didn't care, or was too distracted, holding Buffy just as tightly too. Vaguely the pair registered the sound of raindrops falling outside. Having an idea, Angel spoke breathily between kisses:

"Outside."

Neither of them wanted to stop kissing, so Angel ended up having to carry Buffy outside, her legs around his waist. As the rain began to dampen their clothes and hair, they stopped kissing and looked into each others' eyes. Angel took in the sight of his girl, sopping and wet, hair clinging to her shoulders, her clothes hugging her small frame. He savored the feel of her body heat mixed with the coolness of the rain, and held her tightly. Buffy, meanwhile was looking down into Angel's eyes, but also admiring how the water made his white shirt cling to his toned body, how it made his hair softer, how it made drops fall down onto his face – she wiped one away from his upper lip with her fingers, and Angel kissed them.

Angel wanted to be like this forever, to have Buffy in his arms, wet and smiling down at him, his girl. He then spoke words that held passionate meaning for them both,

"You still my girl?"

Buffy entangled a hand in the wet hair on the back of Angel's neck, and moved in to kiss him, but just before their lips met, she spoke.

"Always."


End file.
